No, It's Not Ok For Men to Cry

Throughout the recent advancement in mental health awareness, we’ve been bombarded with the message that it’s ok for men to cry. I admit, I was on board for quite a while. It seemed harmless to encourage men to accept that crying doesn’t make them powerless. I, too, took to my discussion platforms and tried my damndest to convince men that crying didn’t make them look weak. But gentlemen, I was wrong. There are plenty of good reasons why we don’t want to cry. I am suspicious of men that say they enjoy it. Sure, it might provide some relief just as vomiting might help quell a hangover. I still do my best to shield an audience from such an act. If I cry, I try to do it alone. Shoulders were meant to shelve the weight of the world we support and tend to be a poor substitute for a package of Kleenexes. I’ve tried for so long to defend that it’s just fine for men to cry. I cannot do it any longer. Argue with me if you’d like, but please, only after reading further. It’s time to confront the truth, gentlemen, that it is not ok to cry.

First, there is one concession I believe all men need to make. We have all cried more than we like to admit. We cried in childhood when we fell off our bicycles or took a Razor scooter to the ankle. We cried when pets or loved ones died or when our best friends moved away. We cried the first time we got dumped or when we didn’t make the football team. Not one single time was it ok. The idea that crying makes you weak and vulnerable is objectively true. Try throwing a punch or swinging a bat while crying. Do you think you’ll land a knockout or crush a dinger with a soaked and salty face? Can you plan and execute corporate strategy or train for your job with a contorted gaze? Would you trust a carpenter to use a table saw while sobbing into the blade? Even women and children that are deemed more prone to tears must pause and “take a moment” to collect themselves once they’ve started. If for some reason they can’t stop, they halt their task entirely and come back to it once they’re sure they won’t be interrupted by imminent weeping.

Evolutionarily, crying wasn’t ok either. Imagine being in the jungle with a beastly threat lurking in the trees. You’ve secured some concealment and are playing a deadly waiting game. Only one thing could reveal your position – lack of noise discipline. Would an anxious whimper help you survive? Or would it alert the predator to your whereabouts and compromise your life? Rare are the moments when crying can help during an open display of power or a sly endeavor of cunning. Crying would show your cards before there was language to decipher where the tears were coming from. For a hunter or warrior, none of this was optimal.

If you’re still reading this, you may be entitled to compensation (a lifetime supply of MenzLeague brand Kleenexes!). I know. It all sounds cruel and ignorant. While getting canceled is high on my bucket list, allow me a full chance to explain. The rest of this article will separate those that read it entirely from those that decided they hated me paragraphs ago. I maintain that it isn’t just ok to cry. It’s necessary.

It is true that I’ve come to loathe the platitude of “it’s ok to cry.” Frankly, we’ve beat it into decay. The awareness phase of mental health has come and overstayed, growing stale and stagnant as those that have been made aware have been given no further direction. Merely saying it’s ok to cry answers the question of if it’s ok for men to cry. More specifically, it’s a counterpoint to an argument. I’m tired of arguing when we should be growing. The last decade of awareness efforts have left us staring at a sad picture for far too long. So no, it’s not just ok to cry. It’s necessary to cry. The next step forward requires us to build on what we know. This starts with acknowledging many of the perfectly valid reasons why we don’t want to cry. Telling us it doesn’t make us weak when it feels like such the direct opposite is an ineffective way to make us comfortable with it. This inadvertent mass-gaslighting is another instance of mental health voices’ failure to reach men where they are. This is not to say they are ill-intended – I’m grateful for every voice that has echoed this. In a realm where words matter this much, however, semantics are important. In the case of men crying, mere permission is not enough.

Crying is not enjoyable. It’s ok to admit that. This is even more of a reason why the flimsy decree of ok-ness doesn’t hold water. It does make you feel weak and vulnerable. It is difficult to throw a punch with bloodshot eyes and glistening cheeks. It’s normal to want to be alone when a good cry is needed. The only thing we should continue saying is just “ok” is that it’s ok to admit those things. None of it negates the reality that crying is a vital emotional response. I didn’t cry when I took a Razor scooter to the ankle because it was ok. I cried because it hurt (IYKYK). I didn’t cry when I didn’t make the team or when I got dumped because it was ok. Again, I cried because it hurt. Desires be damned, I needed to cry. If I couldn’t throw a punch while crying, it isn’t because I was entirely weak but because I should’ve walked away from the fight to begin with. I needed to attend to the pressing emotions at hand first. There is also nothing wrong with preferring to cry alone. Crying can be a solemn, and deeply intimate act. Hiding weakness and wanting privacy are not the same thing. Suppressing emotional responses can be truly harmful. If crying alone is preferred, you have a right to that privacy.

As I’ve talked about in previous articles, men are tool-based thinkers. If crying is a necessity, what is it truly good for? The answers are plentiful. There is the obvious relief felt afterwards that can be akin to cathartic rage. Even with anger, however, it’s healthier to blast some metal and hit the gym than to break things in your house or get into a bar fight. Through sadness, grief, regret, and loss, crying is better than suppressing the emotions. This will force them to seep out in spurts in the form of social avoidance and mistreatment of others. Moreover, crying has some legitimate, technical benefits. Tears shed from emotion flush stress hormones from the body, while also releasing endorphins. In a bout of grief, we have the healthiest, most natural, most useful tool at our disposal. A good cry can clear our psyches, freeing our mental faculties to sort out emotional turmoil in a coherent and nuanced way (go to therapy already!). Implying that permission is all we need to embrace crying does not suffice. Men need to understand how to use this natural tool effectively.

The man in the jungle that’s petrified of a threat? It’s probably not the right time and place to cry. Setting aside time to sort out emotions can be helpful. The situation doesn’t have to be as extreme as survival. It doesn’t become less important to release and sort the emotions out. The warrior shouldn’t be discouraged from crying on the battlefield because it isn’t ok. But crying does, temporarily, compromise physical strength. A warrior (male or female), would be wise to save their most lethal capabilities for fighting. Releasing endorphins during a cry is physically demanding. Avoiding tears during times that require bravery only amounts to unhealthy suppression when you never revisit their necessity. This practice of time and place is not easy. But it is how men can cry in a way that makes sense. What can no longer be perpetuated is that crying is just ok. It isn’t ok. It’s necessary.