Men are in a very awkward position. We are told to open up and express the way we feel about things; and when we do, we are either shut down or others around us shut down. The world interprets the way we express our weaknesses as a warning, rather than as a harmless and reasonable cry for help.

When a man says he’s tired, our typical response isn’t the desire to facilitate rest for him, and get him back to full focus and strength. It’s to withdraw from him, because our understanding is that he’s becoming less useful or productive. It’s a disheartening reality, but that’s the truth of modern life.

So men have responded in both good and bad ways. In a good way, they are forcing the conversation in the right direction, and emphasizing self-care, along with the importance of prioritizing the things that truly matter in life. In a bad way, men boycotting the workforce and disavowing ambition altogether.

Priory Group, a UK-based firm, found in a study won’t talk about their mental health problems. These are their six underlying reasons: 

  1. 40% said they “I’ve learned to deal with it.”
  2. 36% said they didn’t “wish to be a burden on anyone.”
  3. 29% said “I’m too embarrassed.”
  4. 20% said “there’s a negative stigma.”
  5. 7% didn’t want to admit that they need support.
  6. 16% didn’t want to “appear weak.”
  7. 14% said they had “no one to talk to.”

These responses are not to be taken lightly. If you’re a man, you’ve likely internalized at least 3 of these responses at some point in your journey. I understand why men don’t open up. It’s easy to keep things close to the vest, but…

This doesn’t change the fact that a man needs to be heard. Because for all the reasons which we justify not opening up or being vulnerable, as men we still express our pain and struggles in one way or another. It may manifest in a self-destructive habit, moodiness, social withdrawal, or some other adverse coping strategy that alienates us from those we love, and stifles our potential. We often have the habit of pushing our pain into the shadows and recesses of our hearts. But even when we do they won’t stay there. They will cry and morph and twist, and claw back to the surface to torment us.

The funny thing about these statistics is that at the same time, there are multitudes of men out there willing to lend an ear, a shoulder, a safe space. This may sound harsh, but I think the majority of us men are lazy when it comes to truly seeking help. We want help to just fall into our lap. I can say this especially in 2024, because organizations like our own Menz League are hyperactive in helping men to heal, and building them in a healthy way.

Here is the truth: No matter how minor or major your issue, most people are not prepared to hear it. They may lack the know-how or even the genuine interest. Or, perhaps you’re just not expressing yourself as well as you think you are in order to be understood.

Here are two things I think we should consider.

Number one, people may not be prepared to hear you and help you, however, they are more than happy to refer you. You don’t have to open up to them about details. It’s fine to simply just reach out, and ask for recommendations. It’s not perfect, but it’s a good place to start.

Being in the military taught me something highly valuable that I took for granted, and that is the method of escorting someone to a qualified person who is better equipped and trained to help them. This helped to make me useful in situations where I might have shut down, where I felt overwhelmed by the pressure to take it upon myself to help this person. And since people are always happy to refer and take pride in their referrals, they will also have a feeling of accomplishment when they are able to steer you along the right direction. Most people are NOT trained like I was. So they will not organically do it. But you can steer them into helping steer you.

Secondly, seeking help from elements like organizations, appropriate social circles, or professionals is highly beneficial. Because as I mentioned prior, you may not be articulating yourself as well as you think you are, in order to be understood in the first place. These elements will not only listen, they will take an active interest in gauging your exact needs. This includes helping you correctly express exactly what is that you are suffering from. It’s what they are there for. In this search engine age, it’s hard not to find them. There are a number of robust entities and individuals out there willing and available to us.

At the end of the day, our problems are real, and they deserve to be resolved. Our relationships, and our quality of life depend on it. Just because we have a number of justifiable excuses, doesn’t mean we should give in to them. Ultimately, the reality is that we suffer much more if we do. You have worked hard to prove yourself. Fortunately, you don’t have to work as hard to get the improvement to your mental health that you need and deserve.