Psychology did something groundbreaking, which had never been done before.

It put the child (and childhood) at the center of an entire discipline.

It demonstrated how one’s childhood shapes the state of their adulthood. It gave prestige and empathy to the world of the child, which for millenia had been largely neglected.

As a man who was born into a quasi-abusive African culture, I say, “Thank God for that!”

In 2015, I went to a 3-day faith conference where I met a charismatic guest speaker in one of the workshops, who also happened to be working on a research paper. The thesis of his paper was that by age 30, if you haven’t resolved or coped well with your childhood issues–or at least the bulk of them, you begin to develop serious mental health disorders.

His friends, he told me personally, had schizophrenia and even manic depression, among a list of things. He revealed to the class that his own childhood experience as a Korean immigrant in the U.S. had initiated this journey. I was unpacking a lot from my childhood at the time, so it deeply resonated.

And then I began to filter the world partly through his thesis statement. I became sensitive to it, and what I saw and spoke to others about could not refute him. Later on, other studies and statements which I happened upon, confirmed this fact. I had thought his idea was novel–and in a way it was. But its foundation was strong and over a century old.

Maladaptive coping habits, which no longer serve us, did so at some point in the past. For example, we downplay our potential/talent even into adulthood, because of a jealous or negative parent/guardian while we were growing up. Therefore, we choose to not shine bright.

Recently I thought to myself, “wow, the position of a parent is so powerful. You shape the trajectory of another human being’s life, and usually permanently. If you’re not well-crafted, you might be dooming another soul, thus continuing a cycle of personal dysfunction.”

That Master’s thesis still resonates in the back of my mind from time to time. My own story can be a prime example. From home to school, I went from one field of psychological landmines to another. It took YEARS of reflection, prayer, and intensely intentional mindset changes to ‘normalize.’

From home to school, I went from one field of psychological landmines to another.

Despite the thesis’s benchmark of 30 years old, I don’t think it’s ever too late. But I do think that the older we get the more essential the work becomes. One of the beautiful things I love about men is that we can reinvent ourselves, even well into our 50’s and 60’s and beyond. We can restart new narratives, and forge new paths.

And therefore that is what I want to encourage. It’s never too late to heal, unpack, and liberate a certain part of ourselves that further enriches the human experience for all involved; no matter how seemingly trivial. The sooner, however, the better.

We know life has many sorrows, because the news never fails to remind us. But life can also be amazing for us in many ways if we are determined to ease the pressure of the past negative experiences that helped shape us; our traumas, failures, and mistreatments.

I think Socrates–if it was in fact him that said it–had a point when he said, “A life unexamined is not worth living.” There is power in reflection, processing, and then moving forward in triumph despite the pain and discomfort of it all.

Much more dangerous than just the unworthiness of living an unexamined life, in my opinion, is the continuous process of pain and opportunity costs we undergo in our lives; the social connections we shrug away, the economic opportunities we miss, and the freedom of personal transformation that comes with it.

It’s not easy, I know. And it shouldn’t be. But the work is worth it. Not just for your spouse, children, or friends, but also and most importantly…for YOURSELF!

And it’s not a selfish thing to say. In fact, it’s the responsible thing to say.