How to Kill Your Relationship Like A Man

A healthy relationship is the business of the modern noble. Social media will fool you into thinking a relationship isn’t supposed to include conflict. Screenless people know this is absurd. If the trajectory of a relationship points toward marriage and children, it can’t be for the weak, because the business of a healthy relationship requires an extraordinary amount of collaborative resilience and an otherworldly ability to forgive and let go. One human is messy enough. Two humans needing to clean themselves up well enough to raise more messy humans can seem like a cruel cosmic joke. But men—good men, real men—don’t shy away from the task and understand what to avoid to keep from getting in their own way. If you want to kill a 50-year marriage in year one, here are three ways to do it, and what to do instead.

Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. If your initial reaction to conflict is to audit their behaviors to assign blame, you can bank on rowing both of you further away from the shores of resolution. This is not to say that we assume our partner is innocent in any conflict, but rather that starting with yourself leaves less for them to do to help you understand how you may have contributed to the problem. This sounds frustrating because instinct says to fight back and win. But the premise of such thinking is that you are adversaries instead of members of the same two-person team. Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal fought for myriad reasons yet still found ways to win. Without Shaq, Kobe would’ve been left with two championship rings. Shaq without Kobe? None.

The stakes in romantic relationships are even higher. Success is not defined by specific contests of achievement. Over time, you may take moments as a couple to sit back and reflect on what you’ve made it through together. Many of the wins will be solely based on what you did not allow to happen and the consequences that could have been avoided. That fight where she snapped and said the most hurtful thing you’ve ever heard is where you reasonably could’ve snapped back and caused more damage. You could have said something even more hurtful and played pickleball with daggers until you’ve both collapsed with fatigue. You could have succumbed to angry impulses and responded physically. You could have seriously hurt her. You could have been arrested. Your kids could have seen this happen and been scarred forever. And so on, and so on, and so on…

It is not enough to say that not being an abusive boyfriend or husband is the bare minimum and shouldn’t be celebrated. In counting relationship successes, the totality of what is possible should be considered, including the worst possible scenario. Then you can both look at each other and know how bad it could have been, and enjoy what is. But if you want to ensure that you have little to nothing to enjoy, start every fight by pointing at them.

There is some truth and utility in prioritizing your partner’s needs for the good of the bigger picture. Sometimes, the old adage of ‘us against the problem’ is a matter of a relationship’s survival and may require you to stand down on the things you’re specifically unhappy with. And yes, sometimes this means swallowing the thing that is bugging you entirely. Not because it isn’t legitimate, but because it might not be worth a fight if it is something that can wait for a smoother conversation, or was an error in your own understanding. But most times, there are multiple facets to an issue that are important. Your perspective is one of them. Forgoing discussion of what has become difficult for you to navigate is only going to push the fight to a later date, at which point it has festered and grown spores of resentment. Fighting through resentment is an uphill battle, yet it is one of the simplest things to mitigate.

So how do we balance our need to resolve an issue with the larger task of being a good ally in the fight for our relationship? The first and most important thing is to develop the patience necessary to put things aside when there is a bigger task at hand. If your partner feels anxious or unsafe, that is going to take precedence over explaining yourself. Letting her know why she shouldn’t feel the way she does will get counterproductive quickly. It makes sense to want to defend yourself when talking about someone you love. It should incite deep pain to think you are responsible for their anguish. But there is a time to get on the stand and plead your case, and it is not when your partner needs wounds to be dressed.

The second is to learn how to articulate what bothers you in a way that maintains their emotional safety. If all you did was delay an opportunity to be unhinged, your relationship will still be damaged by your lack of self-control at a later date. It is here where we encounter the masculine essence of what it means to be emotional. Your emotions need to be expressed. The masculine way of expression is one that doesn’t make your emotions someone else’s problem to solve, let alone making them a reason others should fear for their safety. Collect yourself and map out what’s going on. Then, when the time is right, discuss the problem with grace.

Some of my favorite social media posts are ones that show an elderly couple in love, captioned with ponderings such as “I wonder how many times they had to forgive each other to get there?” I think deeply about these questions and wonder how many times they had a bad fight and said something they thought was unforgiveable. I wonder how many times they said they were done. I wonder how many times they thought they would be better alone or with someone else. Then I wonder how strong and beautiful a relationship must be to dance in a park at dusk in your 70’s after enduring that over and over again.

I’ve long made a personal effort to take the wisdom of seasoned couples to heart (at least 30+ years). Unfortunately, today’s social media landscape is littered with voices of uncredentialed coaches and clandestine advisors who spew advice on relationship success without having consulted more than a copy of Attached. There may be good intent behind their efforts but the wisdom that comes with longevity is lacking. One of the most important pieces of advice I’ve received from husbands with decades of tenure is not to escalate with the momentum of a fight. This is not to say that you should seem formless and cold—she needs to feel that you care—but the weight of conflict becomes unbearable when you seek to get even. She might say something out of anger that she doesn’t mean. The only thing returning serve would guarantee is more damage to both of you. Her heightened vigilance in conflict is tuned for safety, not victory. No matter what she says or how much you think she “deserves” the retaliatory remarks (and you might be right), she will remember your comeback, and it will amplify within her perception. Not because it was any worse than what she said or because you even meant it, but because you chose to fire back when she was desperately looking for cover from what she was feeling, validating why she felt she needed it in the first place. This part can be incredibly difficult, and even the best of us will falter and say the wrong thing. We are only men. And as men, we are built to face conflict and meet challenges, but your partner is not a challenge to be defeated.

I believe much of the real damage in our relationships is rooted in our departure from masculinity in conflict. It isn’t a bad thing to think suspending the part of you that also harnesses aggression and anger should take a seat when emotions run hot. But the rest of the masculine understanding includes self-control and objectivity. The answer in conflict is not to succumb to playing the same way your partner is playing but to play the game the way you are made to play it best. That is, with a steady resolve, a forgiving heart, and well-developed self-control.