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How do you know who you are?

Questions such as these attempt to condense meaning, identity, and purpose into a neatly packed answer. Anyone that has given thought to their own authenticity knows this pursuit is active and ever changing. Principles and values tether us to the right path, but a clear answer? I am suspicious of every guru claiming self-awareness. Even if we could manage an answer, it might do more harm than good.

A better question is, who would you become if you found out? Would you uphold who you are supposed to be or be bogged down with boredom? There is no adventure, striving, or growth in certainty. Thus, we blindly take up this absurd pursuit. We attempt to march swiftly, pivot suddenly, fall quietly, and recover without exposing our missteps, shortly before flexing our scars to show ourselves vetted by a world too cruel for others. In its cruelty, the world will tell you who you are, making it necessary to curate pieces of the world you can entrust with your vulnerability. Who do you choose to tell you who you’ve become?

We are more likely to hang out with guys that either accept an equal level of toxicity for themselves or mind their own business.

At my worst I was immersed in a vat of my own radioactive decisions, I would not emerge with powers but would drown and respawn. Who would befriend the undead? Only another gentleman so equally infected. The problem of toxicity within groups of men is inherent to these ease we demand of our relationships. We are more likely to hang out with guys that either accept an equal level of toxicity for themselves or mind their own business.

I still find it miraculous that there were enough guys around me that saw just enough good in me to patiently attempt to call it forth. It was no coincidence that these were the friends that never tolerated dishonesty or included it within their daily practice. When I was ready, they welcomed me into discussions about anything I was struggling with. I understood that the barrier to membership in friendships with good men was not in perfect decency, but in an honest attempt towards it.

It became easy to walk away from friends that enabled the worst in me when I realized the only thing that separated the likable from the unlikable in relationships was character. In our ill-conceived logic many of us fall prey to the notion that all relationships are merely transactional. We remove the humanity from friendships and resolve to treat others how they treat us, relegating our relational capacity to the skill level of a 6 year old. We call it fairness. We don a mask that prevents us from needing to develop ourselves any further when all we really needed was the same safety we yearned for as children.

Transactional friendships don’t work. Selfless ones do. Honest ones do. These friendship traits require more from us than sizing up threats. They require reciprocity. I did not “like” the friends I had. I retained their company hoping for a return on investment. It is no wonder they are no longer around.

Those friends that I consider brothers, would be deeply disappointed if I told them I had a severe lapse in character

The right friends didn’t just have things in common with me. They gave, and gave, and gave. They asked for nothing in return. Missing among their gifts was uncertainty that they had my back. Apparent among them was the refusal allow toxicity into the bond. I became a better friend when I became a person worth being friends with.

Those friends that I consider brothers, would be deeply disappointed if I told them I had a severe lapse in character. They wouldn’t hate me. They wouldn’t dislike me. But they would ensure I didn’t walk away thinking it was perfectly acceptable to behave reprehensibly. It wasn’t their job to punish me. But it was their duty as men to identify and call out toxicity. Knowing I let them down was sufficient punishment.

 The men in my life I assigned the rank of “brother” were the harshest and clearest mirrors I had. I entrusted them with the question of who am I? on any given day and they never failed to answer. Are your relationships in disarray? You may need to invest more in brotherhood. Do you have plenty of friends around but can’t seem to get things sorted out? They may need a harsh look so you can curate pieces of the world that will tell you who you are, and help keep you from wondering why the man you’ve been hasn’t been measuring up.